God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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