hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
