alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
