you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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