i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
