Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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