You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
