What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
