I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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