The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
