This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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