Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
