I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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