hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
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Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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