My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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