I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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