Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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