Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
