Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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