trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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