My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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