Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
smell my finger.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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