I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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