so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
