Plan B is the new Plan A
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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