I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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