John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize