If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize