My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
