can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
