Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
