I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My ATM looks so different sober.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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