Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
