If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
