just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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