Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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