I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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