For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
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Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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