i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
