he wants to bone in the snuggie
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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