You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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