Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
