I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
