I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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