So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
