i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
