you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
