I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
