The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
