new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
