after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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