I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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