I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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