I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
