theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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