I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
