We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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