I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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