I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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