you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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